1 Month Down, 3 More to Go

A month into Carl's deployment and I finally got some much needed me time. Yesterday Carl's aunt watched the boys while I got my hair done and then a friend picked them up and kept them overnight so I could go to my brother in law's wedding reception. And although this is not my first time away from the boys I was much more emotional and started crying this morning while I was waiting for them to come home.

Perhaps it's because this deployment is vastly different from the last. Last time around I was pregnant with Nathan, and although still dealing with morning/all day sickness, I only had to take care of one child. Fortunately I was on leave from work for the majority of the deployment so I didn't have to worry about working full time and taking care of J. And I was very fortunate that Lalla & Richard were able to keep J every weekend to give me a break.

Timing wise this deployment worked in our favor since Carlene has moved in, so at least I'm not alone. But, this time around I'm working full time and taking care of 2 boys. And since Ariana's arrival I've lost my designated baby sitter(s). Add on top of that not being able to drive and it makes for a less than ideal situation; one that's actually become quite stressful. Of course my family, friends and co-workers have really stepped up to the plate, offering rides to and from work, to dr's appointments and running errands. But I feel like such a burden. And even though I got some alone time this weekend, not being able to drive made it a logistical nightmare.

So 1 month down, 3 more to go (that's assuming Carl's deployment isn't extended).

Are They Twins

At this point I'm pretty used to getting that question whenever Carlene and I are out together with the boys. And I get it; after all, J and AJ are the same size. Actually no, AJ's now bigger than J, but that's a sore subject so we won't go there.

But what I don't get are the comments we get from people when we say no, they're cousins: but they look so much alike, but they're the same size, are you sure?. Why is it so hard to believe that cousins can look alike when their moms ARE twins. Why is it so hard to believe that 2 sisters could be pregnant at the same time and have kids that are the same age. And the last comment really baffles me; why in the world are you asking me if I'm sure. I think I'd know if I had carried and given birth to twins. The more observant ones will comment "oh yes, he(J)is more advanced developmentally", but that's rare that someone pays that close attention.

P.S. Why do people ask if the boys are triplets??? I can understand AJ and J, but Nathan. Come on now, he's not even walking.

2 More Weeks

and then I think I'm calling it quits on pumping. Most days I only get about 1 oz per session. On a good day I'll get 4 ozs per session, but that's with me massaging my breasts, going back and forth between the expression and let down phases AND leaning over to let gravity do its work. Today I only got 1 oz and that was from two 20 minute sessions. Are you kidding me, what the heck is going on with my supply?!?!

Maybe it has something to do with the time I forgot to pack valves, membranes and shields; or the next day when I had meetings and presentations offsite but left my pump at Headquarters; or was it the day that I packed valves and membranes but forgot shields? That being said, I was still able to manually express, which honestly seems to be more efficient than using my pump anyway. Maybe if I pump more than 2 times a day, resume taking Fenugreek supplements and drinking Mother's Milk Tea my supply would increase.

With cold and flu season just around the corner I'm sure any amount of breast milk would be good for Nathan. But is 2 ozs daily enough; is it even worth it? This is where I'm torn and feel guilty about quitting. Although I'd still nurse when I get home from work and when/if he wakes at night.

But let me know your thoughts. If you breastfed and pumped, when did you know it was time to stop nursing?

The hardest part

about being a mom is watching your child suffer. My heart broke seeing J so miserable on our trip home from Myrtle Beach. When we finally got home early Monday morning he had a temperature of 102 so we gave him some Tylenol, turned on his vaporizer and put him to bed. He slept until about 11 but didn't eat well and threw up a couple of times. Today he still has a bit of a runny nose but his fever broke and he's eating much better.

Now Nathan has a little bit of congestion and a runny nose. Fortunately no fever and he's not warm to touch so I'm hoping it doesn't turn into a full blown cold.

Nathan, Justin, ... Child

When I was younger I always wondered why my mom could never seem to keep her girls names straight. After all, she was our mother, the one that gave birth to us and named us; so why was it that she'd look directly at me and call me Lalla. After realizing I wasn't Lalla she'd call me Carlene, then realizing I wasn't Carlene she'd throw her hands up and say "child, you knew I was talking to you", lol.

But now that I'm a mother I totally get it. And I find myself doing the exact same thing. When I want J I call him Aiden or Nathan. And all I can do is think back to my childhood and laugh. Oh, the memories!

Kissing on the Lips

I was watching Oprah one day, around the time that The Pursuit of Happyness came out, and she was interviewing Will and Jayden Smith. During the interview Will Smith kept kissing his son on the lips and I kept thinking to myself "why in the world does he keep doing that"?

A year or so later I was having a conversation with a co-worker and the topic of kissing your children on the lips came up. I mentioned the interview to my co-worker and talked about my being uncomfortable with it. She got very defensive and said "well you'll feel differently when it's your kid". I've always viewed kissing on the lips in a romantic manner, something shared between a person and their significant other. Not to mention the fact that neither of my parents kissed us girls on the lips when we were growing up, so it's not something I'm used to.

Fast forward 4 years and 2 kids later and it's just now, within the past month actually, that I've started kissing my kids on the lips. Oddly enough it all came about when J had chapped lips and instead of putting ChapStick directly on his lips I put some on mine and then smeared my lips on his. I'm pretty sure that J's prematurity is a huge contributing factor as to why I'm just now allowing myself to kiss him.

But maybe it is different when you become a parent. Although I don't think I'll continue when they're older. But who knows, I never thought I'd kiss them ever so things could change.

What Are You Feeding Him...

Similac? That's the question I got from the produce lady at Meijer a few months ago. She smiled and laughed when I said I was breastfeeding. But I've actually been getting asked that question a lot lately and although I am now supplementing with formula I simply reply with "Nature's Milk". Obviously my experience with Nathan is a complete 180 from my experience with Justin. With J I pumped exclusively for the first 4 months but was never able to actually breastfeed him. Since they stopped giving J my breast milk in the hospital when he failed to grow I never imagined that Nathan would do so well off of it.

But now I'm starting to see a trend. My really good friend's son who was born a few weeks after Justin's due date was breastfed and was a chunky baby. I remember asking her if she had steroids in her milk and now it's funny that I've gotten that same comment when people see Nathan. At Org day a few weeks ago we met several of Carl's co-workers babies. And oddly enough, all of the breastfed babies were just as chunky, if not chunkier, than Nathan.

Too bad I can't breastfeed J now, he could stand to put on a few pounds. I think Dr. Hirsch's prediction that by 9 months Nathan will be bigger than J is going to be spot on.

To pump or not to pump...that is the question

I always knew I wanted to breastfeed but never had a set time frame in mind for how long I would nurse. I figured I'd play it by ear and see how long I could keep it up. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that babies be exclusively breastfed for about the first 6 months of life. Nathan was exclusively breastfeed for the first 3 months. But when I went back to work I wasn't able to keep up with his healthy appetite so we started supplementing with formula. Now, as his appetite has increased yet again I'm faced with a dilemma: do I switch to formula or do I continue pumping and give him what I can.

I don't think there's any mom that enjoys pumping. Especially when you're dealing with supply issues. It's depressing when you spend 15-20 minutes two times a day to get only 2 ozs each session when your child is drinking 6 ozs per bottle. And let's face it, even if your supply is great, who wants to tote around a breast pump, purse, laptop and lunch pail back and forth to work each day. Sometimes it's frustrating when you're the sole source of food for your child. As much as I enjoy my quality bonding time with Nathan there definitely are times when I wish Carl had the "equipment" to also feed Nathan. Of course he can always give him a bottle but when you're breastfeeding you don't get a break because you still have to pump. But I continue on because I realize that any amount of breast milk is good for Nathan.

So last week I started taking Fenugreek and drinking Mother's Milk tea to help increase my supply. Many women see an improvement within 24-48 hours while others take up to a week. We'll see if this works and help me continue nursing longer.

Blissfully Unaware

So a few weeks ago a family friend met Nathan for the first time. Well my dad just brought it to my attention earlier this week that she had a concern about the coloring of Nathan's eyes. Apparently someone in her family had that same coloring and had some type of bone condition but she couldn't tell me much about it so I did some research. My dad kept asking if I noticed anything unusual about Nathan's eyes, which I haven't. Of course after hearing that I stared at his eyes for hours/days on end and at one point I thought I saw something, but I wasn't sure if I was seeing something because someone had said something or if it was because it was really there. Carlene hadn't noticed anything but Carl thought he may have noticed something so just to be on the safe side I called Dr. Hirsch. She said that the bluish/gray coloring in the white of the eye is not that uncommon in newborns. And since Nathan hasn't had any other symptoms/issues (i.e. fractures) she didn't see the need for him to undergo any extensive diagnostic testing. Of course she'll monitor him and keep an eye out for it, but I shouldn't worry too much about it. And although I totally trust and respect Dr. Hirsch I can't help but worry; but I'd much rather be blissfully unaware.

You never stop worrying

When you first find out you're expecting you worry about having a miscarriage. After the 1st trimester you worry about a having a premature or stillborn baby. And if this is your first pregnancy you may naively think things will be fine once your baby is born. Boy was I ever wrong!

Once they're born you have a new set of worries: SIDS, colds/illnesses, eating issues, weight gain (or lack thereof), developmental delays, and the list goes on and on. And let's not forget the self inflicted pain they may bring on themselves. My adventurous child has learned how to climb out of his crib, not realizing that it's a long way down. So see our new set up (for extra cushion and padding in case he decides to do it again) until Carl comes home Friday and can lower his crib.

Memorial Day 2008

This time last year I had just been put on hospital bed rest, unaware that Justin would be born just a few days later. I thought I had moved past the fears that accompanied his birth and NICU stay, but as his birthday approaches I’m realizing that I’m still bitter about a lot of things.

I’m bitter that I wasn’t put on bed rest sooner. I was monitored pretty closely early on in my pregnancy, but I feel like the ball was dropped once I was released to my OB and subsequently seen by a high risk doctor. I’m bitter that I never made it to my 3rd trimester. I’m sure I would’ve complained the entire time, but I never got the chance to complain. I’m bitter (with myself) that the first question I asked once I woke up in recovery after Justin’s birth was “Is he cute?” Obviously that should’ve been the last thing on my mind, but I think I was in denial that he was born, let alone born that early. I’m bitter that I wasn’t able to hold Justin for 3 ½ weeks. I’m bitter that I never got to breastfeed. Justin did receive breast milk his first few months of life, but I never got to enjoy that special bonding and emotional relationship with him.

I’m bitter that this experience makes Carl & I question if we even want more children. I’m bitter that if we do decide to have another child I won’t be able to experience a vaginal birth. Justin’s delivery was an emergency classical c-section, which means my uterus was cut vertically. In short, this means that I will never be able to deliver a baby vaginally for fear that the scar might tear while in labor.

With all that said, this experience has definitely made me much stronger. I am VERY thankful for our little fighter and realize that we are very fortunate that Justin is doing as well as he is.

You don't look like you just had a baby...

I’ve now heard that from several nurses in the NICU and it kind of makes me sad. Anyone who knows how difficult this pregnancy has been will probably think I’m crazy, but I actually miss being pregnant. I grew out of most of my pre-pregnancy clothes the week before I was put on bed rest and had just started wearing maternity clothes, and still have quite a few maternity items with the tags still on them. Unfortunately I can’t return them since the items were all on clearance and considered final sale. But I was actually looking forward to the big stomach and really wanted to have maternity photos taken. On a bright note, I’ve already lost my pregnancy weight, and then some. But that really isn’t saying much since I only gained 2 ½ lbs, all in the last week before being put on bed rest.